


Incorrect Criminal Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [6]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Caveman Spencer Reid, Cheating at Poker, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Rocket Power - Freeform, Skateboarding, Spencer doesn't have a point, first name basis, friends - Freeform, street hockey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2020-07-10 12:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19905868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: Revolves around the day-to-day adventures of a gang of four young friends: the adventurous and vain sports enthusiast and perfectionist: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau; her tomboyish and kindhearted older sister: Penelope Garcia; the brainy newcomer and techno whiz kid Spencer Reid; and the dim-witted but loyal videographer Derek Morgan — who live in the beach community of Quantico Shores, California, where they spend their free time playing extreme sports (Skateboarding, Surfing, Snowboarding, Biking, Street Hockey, etc.), getting into various situations, and overcoming the trials and challenges of growing up.Chapter 2: In Quantico Village, sheltered but friendly Emily Prentiss flees her wedding day and her rich yet unfulfilling life, and finds childhood friend JJ Jareau, a wound-up but caring chef. After Emily becomes a waitress at the coffeehouse, she and Monica become roommates at JJ's apartment and joins her group of single people in their mid-20s: her previous eccentric masseuse roommate Penelope Garcia; her loyal, dimwitted neighbor across the hall Derek Morgan; Derek's sarcastic, self-deprecating roommate Spencer Reid; and JJ's insecure older brother Hotch.





	1. Source: Rocket Power

**Derek** : Why doesn't anyone ever believe me!?

 **Spencer** : Because you're never right?

*********************************************************

**(referring to the smudges on his eyeglasses)**

**Spencer** : Talk to the smudges, girlfriend!

 **JJ** : Did he just call me "girlfriend"?

*********************************************************

**Penelope** : I can't take it anymore! This is like prison!

 **Hotch** : How long have you been up for?

 **Penelope** : 4 minutes!

*********************************************************

**Spencer** : Derek, how many rules can you break in one day?

 **Derek** : What time is it?

*********************************************************

**(After the foursome have won the big trophy in the local hockey tournament.)**

**JJ** : First place!

 **Penelope** : In your face!

 **Spencer** : No disgrace?

 **Derek** : Huh? We _won?_

 **Spencer** : It's a crime. You can't rhyme.

*********************************************************

**Derek** : I aced the test! ACED!! A-C-E-D. Me, Derek, D-E-R-E-K!"

 **Penelope** : Derek, enough.

 **Derek** : I got every word right, even... _[pneumono-ultramicroscopic-silico-volcano-coniosis!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis)_

 **JJ** : That's a _miracle!_

 **Penelope** : Well, you've made a total believer out of me.

*********************************************************

**JJ** : ( **quietly)** Ow.

**(cut to the theme park)**

**Penelope** : OK, there's no way we can let JJ play in the game tomorrow.

 **Derek and Spencer** : Right.

 **Penelope** : It's bad for her.

 **Derek** : And bad for the team.

 **Spencer** : Right.

 **Penelope** : So Derek, you just got to tell her she can't play.

 **Derek** : I'm not gonna tell her.

 **Spencer** : Just make up some story.

 **Derek** : Tell her, "The Rats Ate The Puck".

 **Spencer** : No, it's gotta be something believable. Like, "Global Warming Has Caused Giant Monkeys To Overtake Ocean Shores".

 **Derek** : Giant monkeys?! **(screams & runs away)**

 **Spencer** : He'll be back.

 **Penelope** : Let me handle this. OK?

**(Cut to inside the Jareau's house. Penelope walks into the kitchen, seeing JJ pour juice in a cup.)**

**Penelope** : Oh, man! I am so ticked!

 **JJ** : What's up?

 **Penelope** : The big game. They're rescheduling it!

 **JJ** : No way! When's it gonna be?

 **Penelope** : Um...they haven't told us. But it's definitely not gonna be tommorrow! No, sir, NOT tomorrow!

 **JJ** : That stinks!

 **Penelope** : Tell me about it! Ooh! OY!

**(Cut to outside of Rocket's house)**

**Spencer** : So?

 **Penelope** : Well, JJ's out of the picture. But we still have a problem.

 **Derek** : The monkeys. OOOHHH!

 **Penelope** : We still need someone to fill in for JJ.

 **Spencer** : You got somebody in mind?

 **Penelope** : I do but you're not gonna like it.

*********************************************************

**Penelope** : I hate it.

 **Spencer** : I'm never gonna eat [sheep's stomach](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/haggis) again.

 **JJ, Derek, and Penelope** : YUCK!


	2. Source: Friends

**_[The One Where JJ Gets A New Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pilot_\(Friends\))_ [1.01] **

_[First lines of the series]_

**[JJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller)** : There's nothing to tell. He's just some guy I work with.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : C'mon, you're going out with the guy. There's gotta be something wrong with him.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : Wait, does he eat chalk? _[The others stare, bemused]_ It's just that I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl - ohh!

**JJ** : Okay, everybody relax. Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner, and not having sex.

**Spencer** : Sounds like a date to me.

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for _her_.

**Derek** : What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Hotch. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.

**Hotch** : I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

**Spencer** : Stay out of my freezer.

**_The One with the Sonogram at the End_ [1.02] **

**[JJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller)** : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : Yeah, right! _[the girls just look at him]_ Serious?

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : Oh, yeah.

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

**JJ** : Absolutely.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before [Pink Floyd](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_Floyd) comes out.

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Yeah, and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's just that that's... that's not why we bought the ticket.

**Spencer** : You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

**Emily** : Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album _alone._

**Derek** : Are we still talking about sex?

**Spencer** : _[watching TV]_ I think this is the episode of _[Three's Company](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Three%27s_Company)_ where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

**_The One with the Thumb_ [1.03] **

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Oh! Satan's minions at work again.

**Penelope** : Yes, 'cause I have to go down there and deal with them.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : What are you talking about? Keep it!

**Penelope** : It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

_\------------------------------------------------------_

_[Penelope finds something in her can of soda.]_

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : A thumb?!

**Derek** : Ewwww!

**Penelope** : I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

**Spencer** : Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

**_The One with George Stephanopoulos_ [1.04] **

**[JJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller)** : Hey Derek, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : Probably kill myself.

**JJ** : Excuse me?

**Derek** : Hey, if little Derek's dead, then I've got no reason to live.

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Derek, _om_ nipotent.

**Derek** : You are? I'm so sorry.

_\--------------------------------------_

_[Emily opens her first paycheck.]_

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Isn't this exciting! I _earned_ this! I wiped _tables_ for it, I steamed _milk_ for it, and it was _totally_... _[looks at the check]_ not worth it. Who's [FICA](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Insurance_Contributions_Act_tax)? Why's he getting all my money?

**_The One with the East German Laundry Detergent_ [1.05] **

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : We can? All right, I'm trying that.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want, you just look down and there they are! How you get any work done is beyond me.

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

_[Long pause]_

**Hotch** : ... Multiple orgasms!

\------------------------------

_[Hotch takes out his new laundry detergent]_

**Emily** : What is that?

**Hotch** : Überweiss! It's new, it's German, it's _extra tough_.

**_[The One with the Butt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_with_the_Butt)_ [1.06] **

_[The gang watches Derek's performance in_ Freud!, _a local musical.]_

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : _[in a German accent]_ Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is quite clear. _[singing]_ All you want is a dinkle,  
What you envy's a schwang,  
A thing through which you can tinkle,  
Or play with, or simply let hang!

**[JJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller)** : What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

**Derek** : I couldn't do it.

**JJ** : Good for you, Derek.

**Derek** : When I'm with a woman, I need to _know_ that I'm going out with more people than she is.

**_The One with the Blackout_ [1.07] **

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : When he smiled at me, those first three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Ian.

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : Now, did you ride mopeds?... 'cause I heard... oh, I see, it's not about that right now.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.

**[Mauve](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jill_Goodacre)** : _[gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]_

**Spencer** : _[thinking]_ Gum would be perfection. _Gum_ would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is _perfection._ I loathe myself.

**_The One Where Nana Dies Twice_ [1.08] **

**Ms. Jareau** : What's going on?

**Sean Hotchner** : She may have died.

**Ms. Jareau** : She _may_ have died?

**Sean Hotchner** : We're looking into it.

\---------------------------------------

_[Spencer’s coworker thinks he’s gay]_

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : What is it about me? Is it my hair?

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Yes, it's exactly that, Spencer. It's your hair.

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : You have homosexual hair.

**_The One Where Underdog Gets Away_ [1.09] **

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.

**Mauve** : Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.

**Hotch** : Here's to a lousy Christmas.

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : And a crappy new year!

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Hear, hear!

**_The One with the Monkey_ [1.10] **

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?

_[They all hit her with pillows]_

**Emily** : Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Nothing for you, you have Sergio. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!

**Emily** : Well, for your information, Sergio is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : Yeah, you wish!

**Spencer** : Hey, that monkey's got a Hotch on his ass!

**_The One with Mrs. Bing_ [1.11] **

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : _[handing out copies of her steamy romance book]_ Okay... now this is just the first chapter... and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh! ...and on page two, he's not reaching for her "heaving beasts".

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : What? She could have "heaving beasts".

**Emily** : Right, right... but in this case, she doesn't.

**[JJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller)** : What's a _niffle_?

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

**Emily** : All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Wait... Did you get to the part about his "huge, throbbing pens"? I'll tell ya... you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

**Emily** : Alright, that's it... Give 'em back!

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, no! I just got to the part about her "public hair."

\----------------------------------------------

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : What are you guys doing out here?

**Hotch** : Uh... uh... Well, Derek and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, _somebody_ overslept.

**Derek** : Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

**Hotch** : No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. _Somebody_ was supposed to bring me one.

**Derek** : Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

**Spencer** : You guys spend way too much time together.

**_The One with the Dozen Lasagnas_ [1.12] **

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : Hotch, did you really read all these baby books?

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of _any_ woman's uterus, _no_ compass, and I can find my way out of there like [ _snaps fingers_ ] _that._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------_

_[Spencer and Derek are shopping for a new table]_

**Derek** : Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : That's patio furniture.

**Derek** : So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Uh-oh, I'm outside again!"

**_The One with the Boobies_ [1.13] **

**Will** : Maybe you wanted your marriage with Haley to fail.

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : No! Why would I... why? No. Why?

**Will** : Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.

**Hotch** : I don't think that JJ's failures...

**JJ** : Oh, so I'm a failure now, is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?

**Hotch** : Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?

**_The One with the Candy Hearts_ [1.14] **

**Elle** : I brought you something.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Is it loaded?

**Spencer** : _[Preparing to break up with Elle for the third time]_ There's no easy way to say this. At least, there's no _new_ way for me to say this.

**_The One with the Stoned Guy_ [1.15] **

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Can you see my [nipples](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Nipples) through this shirt?

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

\---------------------------------------------------------

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

**Hotch** : Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

**_The One with Two Parts, Part 1_ [1.16] **

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : _[about why she and her twin sister don't get along]_ It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"

\-----------------------------------------------------------

_[At the[Lamaze](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamaze) class, mother-to-be Haley panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]_

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : Everything's going to be all right.

**Haley** : What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

**_The One with Two Parts, Part 2_ [1.17] **

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

**Spencer and Derek** : That's nice.

**Hotch** : No, no. _With_ him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : Tampa Bay's got a _terrible_ team.

**Hotch** : Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Okay, worst-case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.

**Hotch** : Uh-huh.

**Spencer** : Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

**Hotch** : Do you have a point?

**Spencer** : You know, you'd think I would.

**_The One with All the Poker_ [1.18] **

_[The gang is playing poker.]_

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : No, not this time. _[he folds]_ So what'd you have?

**Emily** : I'm not telling.

**Hotch** : Come on, show them to me. _[He reaches for her cards. Emily covers them up]_

**Emily** : No!

**Hotch** : Show them to me!

**Emily** : Get your hands out of there! No!

**Hotch** : Let me see! Show them!

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : You know, I've had dates like this.

**Hotch** : Your money is mine, Prentiss.

**Emily** : Your fly is open, Hotchner!

**_The One Where the Monkey Gets Away_ [1.19]**

**Kevin** : Do you know anything about fixing radiators?

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?

**Kevin** : Of course.

**Derek** : Oh. Then no.

\--------------------------------------------------------

_[Emily's ex-fiance Ian just came rushing into JJ's apartment and Hotch was preparing to ask her out]_

**[Ian Doyle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Friends_characters#Barry_Farber)** : Emily, I can't marry Blake anymore. I'm still in love with you.

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller): We _really_ need to start locking that door!**

**_The One with the Evil Orthodontist_ [1.20]**

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : I got her machine.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : Her answering machine?

**Spencer** : No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

**Derek** : Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : You know he's gay?

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

**_The One with the Fake JJ_ [1.21] **

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : JJ, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

**JJ** : Still... it's just such reckless spending.

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

**JJ** : That was me.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

**Spencer** : Derek... Switzerland?

**_The One with the Ick Factor_ [1.22] **

**[Hotch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Geller)** : I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : I'm sorry, it was a one-time thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

**Spencer** : Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : No, forget it.

**Spencer** : Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

**Emily** : All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Derek was there, too.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : All right!

**Hotch** : Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?

**Emily** : No.

**Hotch** : You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?

**Emily** : No, it was just the three of us.

**Hotch** : Huh!

**Derek** : So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Spencer, and then you and me, or you and me and Spencer?

**Emily** _[laughing]_ : You know what?

**Derek** _[laughing]_ : What?

**Emily** _[laughing]_ : There were times when it wasn't even _me_.

_[Spencer and Derek laugh until they look at each other, stopping suddenly]_

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : That is so sweet, you guys. _[hugs them]_

**_The One with the Birth_ [1.23] **

**JJ** : I want a baby!

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : You'll get one.

**JJ** : Oh really, when?

**Spencer** : All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

**JJ** : Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

**Spencer** : Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

**JJ** : Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

**Spencer** : Uh... Uh....

**JJ** : What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?

**Spencer** : This parachute is a knapsack!

**\------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Hotch** : Dammit! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.

**Mauve** : The woman I love is having a baby today, I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

**Hotch** : No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay? Where does that leave me?

**Mauve** : You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.

**Hotch** : Everyday is Lesbian Lover Day!

**_The One Where Emily Finds Out_ [1.24] **

**[Spencer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chandler_Bing)** : Men are here.

**[Derek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Tribbiani)** : We make fire. Cook meat.

**Spencer** : Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

**[Penelope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoebe_Buffay)** : _[regarding Hotch' birthday gift to Emily]_ I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!

**\------------------------------------------------------**

**Spencer** : Oh, come on. Hotch? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Haley and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

**[Emily](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Green)** : _[stunned]_ What did you just say?

**Spencer** : _[mortified pause]_ Crystal duck.

**Emily** : No, no, the love part.

**Spencer** : _[Hyperventilating]_ Flennen!

**Emily** : Oh, my...!

**Spencer** : _[rubbing his temples]_ Oh, no, no, no!

**Derek** : That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.


End file.
